Before I came to Canada some thirty years ago, the two things I knew about Canada were the name of the Prime Minister Pierre Elliot Trudeau and the Trudeau Mania. Being a student of political Science, I was deeply interested in world leaders and modern governments. Canada fascinated me more than any other country in the world, because it had a leader, who in my opinion reflected the pulse of multicultural Canada; much like Mahatma Gandhi - a man of the masses, who shook the British empire to it's core by the way, he championed the cause of "Freeing India". I felt a great connection to Canada through the many common values between the two great leaders of the two great countries who spoke and worked passionately for the masses.

Five years later, I became a proud Canadian and a mother of a naturalized Canadian. I have felt so blessed in devoting the last thirty years of my life to promoting Canadian citizenship and values of building an inclusive society based on equality, justice and freedom for all, at the local, provincial and national levels and won governor general's medal for my contributions to Canada.

It is in this background of great pride in Canada and in the ancestral roots of India, that my husband and I raised our (only child) son. We were able to take our son to India only once due to the untimely demise of my mother and grandfather. The one and only visit which our son was able to take at age six, made such a lasting impression on him that he grew up carrying in his mind the beautiful images of India, which somehow got glued in his subconscious.  A few years ago, he made friends with a recent immigrant East-Indian family and attended an East-Indian wedding.

It made another great impression on him, so much so that he started learning to speak Punjabi. In the meantime my in-laws started sending pictures of suitable matches to lure us to visit India.  One picture did catch our interest, even though we never pursued it.  The girl was described as having all the qualities that we were looking for - good looking, functional in English, computers, cooking, household management & sewing. Despite our reluctance to commit, we saw no harm in sending some pictures to my in-laws. We were constantly told over the phone that since the exchange of pictures, the girl's parents were most eager to see us and were looking forward to our proposed visit. We also noted that they had become frequent visitors at our in-laws. 

While we were open to the idea of my in-laws taking interest in matchmaking, we were absolutely unprepared for the overwhelming series of surprises that unfolded. Before proceeding to the village, we stayed in the city for a few days. We could not help notice that every one we met expressed interest in going abroad. Single people got noticed so quickly that within a few days of our arrival, the marriage proposals started to pour in from unknown people.

Same trend - when we arrived in our village. People matchmaking quickly. Within the very first hour of our arrival, we were visited by two "Vicholas" {mediators), father of the girl and several men who had every bit of information about us.  We had not yet inquired about their family, and they had already appointed Vicholas and had invited us to see the girl the very next day.

Upon arriving at their place, we felt most awkward at seeing the house full of people awaiting us. They seemed so sure of themselves; what if we didn't like the girl?  We were momentarily relieved when the Vicholan took our son and the girl to another room to meet privately. The Vicholan was a great convincer!   Within minutes, she came out of the room with the girl and our son on each arm announcing - they both said yes! Before we knew, we found everyone congratulating each other. We tried to interject but people got in the way. We were then formally led into girl's house where again a crowd of people

awaited us and a big reception was in the works. 

Feeling rushed, I proposed to check the "Kundali's"  (horoscopes) of the boy & girl, before going to any reception party.  The Kundali’s did not match but that did not deter anyone. The girl was determined to go ahead. The Vicholan inquired about an "OPAY" (solution).  We were told not to worry at all and not to mention anything in front of their guests because the  "OPAY" will fix every thing.  The girl misled us by saying that she had chosen our son as her mate since the moment she had seen his picture and was determined to face all obstacles in the marriage. Being incurably romantic, we gave in.  

In the meantime, I approached the subject of girl's qualifications and got reassured that she possessed all the abilities, we were looking for. At the reception the subject of our little, three-year-old "godson" came up and we told them that he was a piece of our heart.

When we arrived back home in the city, we were surprised at frantic inquiries about the "godson". They were suspicious that our son was married and was his father.  We assured them that this was not the case; if they chose not to believe, we were out. We did not want someone who disapproved of “godson”.  They would not let us out. The misunderstanding  cleared. The relation restored. Again we were misled! 

Five days before the wedding, we found out, the girl had misled us about the qualifications. She had no English speaking, computers or other skills. Still she

managed to cover up by assurances of making up before arriving in Canada. We took her on trust. We complied with rushed marriage despite the “Sharads”. 

We approached the marriage with up front honesty, integrity and faith. Took no dowry and left no stone unturned in welcoming the bride. We spent hours around the clock preparing for her arrival. We phoned on daily basis, asking her to look out for our elders/in-laws. We complied with every request for more and more money. Two days before her arrival we found out that she was not on speaking terms with our relatives. She felt, they were trying to come to Canada before any of her family members. The promises of learning skills not honored because it was too hot, too far and she did not like the teachers.

We still ignored that, thinking that she would act differently in our loving, caring environment. After ten  long months of wait,  the bride walked into the house like a visitor/stranger. She noticed nothing; the million welcoming gestures, flowers awaiting her in every corner, the beautiful poster size pictures on the walls, house decorated to perfection,  the Great Party!

We had anticipated warm hugs at least at seeing the wardrobe full of eastern-western dresses arranged carefully with matching jackets, shoes, purses, jewelry and make-up. No hugs, no thankyou's for serving breakfast in the bedroom. The dream of going together everywhere like mother and daughter was shattered to pieces because she chose her own friends which did not include any of us. The more we went out of our ways to include her, the more she excluded us! She wanted to assert her freedom right at the outset.  Freedom was her main attraction to Canada.

The bride spent her time watching TV all night, sleeping till noon, spending evenings out with friends, expensive shopping sprees and beauticians.  She had no hobbies, hated school and home-study program remained untouched. The only thing she showed interest was, in inquiring about bringing her brothers/parents to Canada and in telling people how upset her family was to learn that we had applied for PR for our nephew before her family.  

We felt that she needed time to adjust. That wasn't to be; soon she became overly friendly with a couple who were strangers in town. They three became inseparable. Terms of friendship - either you're with us or others. She started coming home late on a daily basis illuding - my friend didn't let me come sooner.  Why not? I don’t know, she gets into tear tantrums each time, I mention I need to go. There were rumors about the couple that they had already sabotaged one solid marriage in this town, and were recently kicked out of relative’s place in the middle of the night.

One day, when she walked out of our lives with them we felt, we hardly knew her! She never acted like she belonged with us. Her friend stated, “your wife is not coming home because she does not love you!” Another reasons? Your “godson” seems like a real son and you must have been married before. She acted blind to the love in our hearts and in the heart of a child, we saw Krishna, Budha, God and Magic!

We quickly proved with DNA report through the lawyer, that there was no biological relation between our son and “god-son” Our son was only married once to his current wife. But she left town for BC to meet her uncle from U.S., with her PR and SIN card, costly collection of clothes, jewelry and money. The couple also drifted out of town, sabotaging one more

marriage and taking more whispers with them. They

had more places to go and more lives to destroy.

No one can imagine the shock a family goes through in a tragedy like this and the healing period is unknown. The laws make it easy for people to walk out free. The purpose of making this story public is two-fold; to save lives, because every life is precious and to persuade lawmakers to take note of the horror stories and quickly modify the loopholes in the laws.

India is teeming with people, who would do anything to settle in Canada. These people will lie, scheme, cheat to marry, because it is easier and much less expensive to get a permanent residence through marriage than it is through any other way. The people with bad intentions have nothing to lose. They get permanent residence and open doors for many more like them. Some girls are looking to marry the Canadian Citizens just to get PR and have someone else waiting in the wings. It is hard to know intentions of people before marriage. Our laws are too tough on sponsors and easy on sponsored spouses. The laws need to change to be fair. No one knows how a marriage will unfold; more so in an arranged marriage where people are total strangers. If you are planning an arranged marriage for your children back home, wait until the laws change. Don’t let any one destroy your picture-perfect lives.

The “Permanent Residence for Marriage-Basis” must be conditional like most other countries, which are looking out for their citizens. Every marriage requires time and commitment to work. Those who walk out within the conditional period, should be sent back.

There is also a need to devise a “Pre-Marriage Assessment Form” to assess the true intentions of potential sponsored persons. Questions like: why are they interested in marrying abroad; who else in their family is hoping to be sponsored; how would they contribute to the country through marriage. It is also important to state the qualifications in writing to monitor lies. People should be allowed to come in “but” to enhance lives not to destroy lives by walking over sponsors.

It is important to band together to approach the lawmakers “Now”! Make this the last horror story you’ve read on PR. If we the people, whose lives are at stake and the lawmakers, who are tasked with the responsibility of securing lives do not approach each other and work together in good faith to change the laws then who will?… Who will?